Friday, 12 May 2017

you can have many loves, for an animal, your child, family members, a possession, a place but nothing damns you as much as the love you have for a loved one. that kind of love means you give everything, the good the bad & the damn right ugly. we all want to believe that - that fairy-tale relationship does exists, and I'm sure that there are some extremely lucky people out there living in that fairy-tale. but from my experience with love, that fairy-tale doesn't last for as long as you wanted. love left me running on empty and unable to trust anyone. I don't want to say too much (right now anyway...) but imagine thinking that you had it all, the big home, the babies, the incredibly cute puppy, the partner. just for it all to be gone - just - like - that.

there was a lot that happened, a lot that I never spoke about online, and I still won't be talking about it. I now live my life unable to trust, no joke. I distanced myself from friends and a lot of people I once knew. purely because those loved ones killed any trust I had. Love taught me that it's ok to be yourself, and to never let anyone put you down, under no circumstances should you ever let someone change you. after all if they wanted something else, they wouldn't be with you. right? - ok so the 'loved one' I had, I nearly got to 7 years, only to find out that those last few months was a complete lie and that my unconditional, faithful, wholehearted love wasn't being reciprocated.

love taught me to understand that it's ok to not be ok all the time, those imperfections are what makes you an individual. don't feel good today? cool, chill in your scruffs and rock it til your good. want to go out and show every-f***er that your happy? go for it. no one should ever define the love you feel. but I will always listen to my head from now on - cause my instincts told me that things were wrong. but my heart told me that 'love' was more powerful than anything my head thought. wrong. if only I knew back then that my instincts could of saved me a lot of pain and stress. so I said love left me running on empty? - I wasn't joking, I suffer bad anxiety, panic attacks and rarely sleep at night due to my head over playing every single miniscule thing. love taught me that loving with everything you have isn't a bad thing, it's actually incredible. being able to love without anything or anyone getting in-between is amazing. and I hope everyone experiences that feeling at least once in their lives.

and if you have been hurt, don't let that define you either. let it make you stronger, I'm still trying - and I know it's going to take time to feel like I can trust, but I'll never be able to give my everything to someone else again. it hurts, the aftermath, the gut-renching feeling that you get is horrible. you think everything is because of you. when infact it really isn't, because you have that feeling is how you know it isn't your fault. love taught me that the only love that really is unconditional is the love you have for your children. if I didn't have my babies, I don't know how I'd of gotten through the past few months. you don't need anything other than what is important - and for me that's my babies.

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