Saturday, 17 May 2014

Diary #MAY21

amoungst all the maddness and worries my life goes on as I have my Lacey-Niia to think of. although I wish the whole situation to be a scary dream unfortunatly its my reality I have to endure. I've never felt as stressed, scared and freaked in my whole and short 21 years of life. I'd do anything to be in my own home with the kids and the man who I had believed to be the one I marry and spend my life with. I have so many unanswered questions I'd love to know the truth of but I know I may never get that type of closure. through peoples faults I find their positives. I'm not perfect, but I'm the best mummy I can be. And it's working as my girls advanced and so clever although I cannot take full credit as she is her daddys double. she really is the only thing in my life that I have unconditional love for nomatter what. Just afew weeks ago, she collapsed and that was it I thought I've lost her. since that evening my life hasnt been the same. I'm so overprotective of her but its hard as shes a toddler who's always extremely hyper. banging into windows at full speed, running round the garden, saying noway to everything and literally lighting up everyones day. I cant stop her having fun out of fear of a bump! things have gotten so long and complicated and its all killing me. seeing Lacey-Niias face when she asks 'where daddy?' or for her brother and sister. feels like noone thinks about the kids stuck in the middle. now shes not being allowed to see her siblings is cruel and unfair. my heart feels close to popping and theres noway to stop it. each day is one step closer to the truth, one step closer to closure and one step closer to normality. all I ever wanted was to be loved truly, now I'm alone and it hurts. ok I have miss Niia and I'm hugely grateful for having such a beautiful intelligent little woman, but I feel theres parts of me missing. who am I anymore? I can happily go to bed at night knowing my princess is snoozing away next to me. but this set-up isnt forever, this isnt my home, my stuff or my daughters. have you guys ever been through this kind of situation? I'd love to hear from youu :)) 

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